Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Fear is a force to be reckoned with in every human being. When fear is mutual between two parties it is a regressive force that leads to stagnation instead of growth. Fear of feelings and fear of voicing them will always be the strongest power in our existence. It's counterpart is love, friendship and acceptance. Which of the forces that will win over depends on which of the said forces that we feed. My biggest regrets in life will be the times when I let fear rule me and therefore lacked the courage to voice my feelings, to voice my love. The biggest crimes we make are usually the ones we inflict on ourselves. Sadly.
In our fear of our feelings, or our lack there of, or the lack of feelings in another concerning ourselves can lead to the most stupid of mistakes. But I suppose that the lesson learned is that it is better to have loved than to not have loved at all.

Photo: Jonas Norén

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2012

Now we write 2012. A new year with new opportunities and possibilities. And according to the Mayan calender we only have some months left to live. In that case we need to make the most of them I suppose. No matter if this planet is going under in eleven months or in a millenia we need to live in the now.

2011 was an eventful year for me. I saw parts of the world that I hadn't seen before (and thus fulfilled the gypsy's prophesy for me). I got new titles and new work. I got two great ideas that I will develop further in 2012. Dreams and goals should always be pursued.

2011 was also a year of love and friendship. I can carry great memories with me from the past year which hopefully will give me energy in this one. Where there is light there is also darkness and even though I walked out of it stronger doesn't mean that it didn't involve pain and lots of it. My best friend calls him the unmentionable.

This evening I cried. Finally .....

Cried over cowardly acts, words with double meaning, harsh remarks and bitchiness, words that should have been said and words that shouldn't have been said. Cried over that sometimes love isn't enough and over a broken heart that has yet to be fully mended.

But the light and the love in me prevails.


//P.

Downton Abbey

Downton Abbey. My favourite pastime at the moment. I just love it!! This series created by ITV and written by Julian Fellowes has become a smash hit. As in every other English production we get quality and heaps of it. Great actors like Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern and Maggie Smith, who could put almost any other actor to shame. The scenery with the magnificent mansion. The clothes that are spectacular and I feel the same about the style of the upper class as well as that of the servants.

And there are so many other things that are there for the taking. The political climate of the beginning of the 1900s. The role of women in society and how it started to change with the first world war. The upper class and the lower class. Upstairs and downstairs. Technical advancements. Fashion. The list can be made as long as my arm.

And to top it off, real life problems. Things we as an audience can relate to. Hardship as broken hearts and miscarriages. Death and deceit in those we thought were our friends and allies. Finally family, friendship and love and all the intricate emotions of joy and pain that all of these entail.

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Love, Relationships and Selfdoubt

Watching a television show where some more or less famous Swedish people dicuss together. One of them is Andreas Lundstedt who is openly gay and hiv-positive. He is a handsome man and that doesn't change because he has a virus coarsing through his veins.

It can be hard to find love and sustain a relationship, and I suppose it is harder still when you have a disease no matter if it is visible or not. One of the worst diseases is not fatal nor contagious. It is the disease of the mind, that we are not worthy of love. That we, no matter how symmetrical our faces are, feel ugly and don't believe that we could conjur up the tiniest of tenderness and love in another human being.

It actually needs to start with ourselves. No matter how conceited it may sound we need to love ourselves in order to be able to love another. When you have stared death in the face and survived to tell the tale you embrace yourself with all the good and all the bad. If you couldn't before you now like the person you are and can freely give love to someone else ...

... no matter if they have the ability to love you back or not ...

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Wedding Dress???!?

I looked at some pictures from a wedding today. The happy couple looked stylish as one would expect. I expect the same of the wedding guests but I was stunned at the appaling lack of dress sense. A wedding is a celebration of love and commitment no matter if the two persons in question are doing it for just that, love, or for legal reasons or just as an excuse to have a great, big bash. It is a party at any rate and you should be dressed accordingly.


If you turn up at my wedding in jeans and a t-shirt you will be shot on sight.


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The Tantalizing Journeys of Love

Teddy, in the home where he belongs.

Love is different for all. There are as many interpretations of love as there are individuals roaming around on this planet. For some people it is just a word. Some say that they don't know what it is. For some it is the air they breathe.

I suppose nearly all of us has at one time or more met someone who turns out to be the last thing you think of before you are rocked to sleep and the first thing you think of when you wake up.

At one time I met a person who for inexplicable and unfathomable reasons I felt an immediate connection with and I fell like I had never fallen before. About two months later I was standing in a shop in Old Town in Stockholm and looked at a pile of teddy bears. They were all dressed in white sweaters with the word love in red embroidered on them. I thought about him, and that I would like to give him one of those teddy bears. I picked one and at the cashier there was one person ahead of me. As I waited I read the card hanging around its neck. Except the regular information it said that every teddy had a unique name and the one I had picked was called "Patrick, in love". I was stunned. The teddy had my name and it said in love. My whole body shuddered like I had been struck with a bolt of lightning. What were the odds that when I thought about him I would pick a teddy with my exact name and the words, in love?

He didn't get the teddy then. Years later teddy travelled in a box to where he belonged.


Love takes you on strange journeys sometimes and the ultimate question is always if you are ready to go along for the ride.


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Random Thoughts

Hard to imagine that concrete and bright lights in a shining city like New York can hold so much adventure, so much excitement and thrilling experiences but as so many times before I found my salvation in London.

Today I have been at a place I think can be considered to be one of the furthest cries from New York City. Small red houses with white details and large fields as far as the eye can see. In this aspect I'm fire and ice, a contradiction, since I love both the biggest cities just as well the wildest countryside. It is the things inbetween that I'm not so fond of.

I wouldn't say that the same person returned to Sweden in comparison to the one who left. I feel different and think differently. It's time for a new chapter. The goals I had set for myself years agoa have been fulfilled. Now I need new goals and they are already forming and brewing in my brain. I don't seek world fame or big heaps of money but if I succeed it will be known.




I'm happier than ever that I'm a creative person and that I know how to wield these talents to give me the biggest personal gratification and hopefully in the process entertain others in more ways than one.

The lily means "I dare you to love me."

What we believe in life is coloured and affected by the experiences we encounter in life. For some reasons I have been shown past lives. I have been a political writer in 17th century Holland and an noble woman in 18th century England. I have chosen to learn something from these experiences and have seen that the written word has been of great importance to me in all life times, just as well as that the same soul has been my love time and time again. That is in truth a bit scary.

You defiled my love and denied your own. No matter how you cut it Karma is a bitch and it will always find its goal and deliever what needs to be delievered.

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A New Beginning

A new haircut, a few slight high lights and a pair of blue sunglasses and I can say that I'm off to a new start. We all need sometimes, to leave things behind and look at the world with fresh eyes. It definitely isn't easy but consequently it seems like life is supposed to be painful at times. And when the pain subsides we get the luxury of feeling free, at least hopefully.

People who are energy thieves are to be left at the door, and goals and dreams could use a revision. The purpose of it all is of course to make your life better and the next great thing can be just around the corner. It's just a matter of keeping your eyes open. Open to possibilities and to people who can love you and make you a better version of yourself. Far, far from easy but imagine what would happen if you stuck to the opposite way of doing things.

I used to be afraid of dying. Now I don't care what happens to me. There lies a certain sense of freedom in that too.

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Peacock

Like peacocks we men like to spread our wings. And why do we do it? For self gratification, to be told that we look great and that we are wonderful specimens of human kind. The simplest reason of them all is of course - to be loved.



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In Love

I'm in love ..... with a jacket. I found this gorgeus creation on ebay. A velvet jacket with embroidered lapels from Alexander McQueen (my hero). The colour would suit me to a T and the lining is just beautiful. Can be mine for approximately £1 000. Hmmmm .....

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Moments of Life

Sometimes in life you hit a wall where you are plunged into darkness and have to struggle to find the light. I think it was about six years ago I hit my wall and it was called panic attacks. Not an experience I would wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It feels like you are going to die, that your heart is going to give out and I thought that something was seriously wrong with me.

When you are ill shoes from Prada, clothes from Ralph Lauren and trinkets from Lalique mean nothing. The only thing that you want is to be well again. You take a hard look on your life and evaluate what is important and not. My conclusion was that two things took precedence over everything else; to find someone to love and to be a published writer.

Five years ago on this exact date I met someone who blew my mind. I felt that I had found what I was looking for and instantly forgot that it takes two to tango.

Because I didn't blow his mind.

Life has a tendency to throw you curve balls and how you deal with them is entirely individual. I try to live by the principle that when you land on your arse the only thing you can do is to stand up, dust yourself off and keep on moving.

I wouldn't say that I today am demon free but I'm a published writer and I'm loved.

And, dear God help me, I still want more .....

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